What Kind of Name is Clovis (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 8: Video Game Mania (November 30 2008)

A discussion of video games quickly engulfs the hosts in a real live gameroom: five levels of head-spinning chicanery, with a horrific boss to best at the end of each. Follow along as we navigate these mind-bending, badeffect-rich levels, and here’s a little nugget of who we confront in each level and how they help us get the girls (note: there are no clues here, unless you count up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right-B-A-start):

1. An old woman who teaches us about “protection” when “engaging” with “creatures”
2. A famous cleric who offers wisdom on Satan and getting arrested
3. The king of the flammable jungle leads us to diamonds in the treetops for getting chicks
4. The sexiest biggest fattest nerd alive at a snooty cocktail party in Detroit
5. Bobby’s girlfriend and an ape not on a skateboard

A box full of zippos and a radio show.

Dickypicks meets Vaginatron (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 7: Moveez (November 23 2008)

Take me to the theatre or the theater or the movie house cinema place.

Tommy talks picks and holes in knowledge and wigs on his feet.

John says this could be Braveheart from his mix CD.

Nick swerves near an interview with Werner Herzog and maybe doesn’t swerve back.

Olly is enraptured with a dragon.

Justin argues but why why why.

Seize2, eppy7 and a tub of corns.

Read the Sand (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 6: The World of Finance (November 16 2008)

An uncertifiably licensed financial expert (Sean) joins our certifiably unlicensed financial expert (John) in the studio to answer questions from the financially challenged listenership.  Bobby will be pimped out before Solomon reads sand and donkeys:

• Justin talks about how the economy has forced him to sleep in toll booths and knit squirrel pelts
• Movie Preview: The Knick Nack Boys (proprietors of a modest retail business)
• Commercial: Baby Hypnosis
• A financial question answered: give your daughter a few extra thousand a week, call Brian in Davis Sq. for your X, and buy some snack cakes with no nutritional value
• A caller, Louinda, chastises the hosts for not including Eric and his Bentonville HS football team in last week’s episode about tigers, after which John explains how people can fall asleep listening to someone who doesn’t wear a funny hat, resulting in a tasty recipe for respecting the ladies and some financial advice about the perils of BBBY
• A caller, Tara, talks about blowing part of her savings on laser hair removal in her nether regions that she now wants back, and Sean brilliantly suggests the merkin
• A celebrity caller, Christopher, expounds on the crashing Harvard Endowment and the auto industry tells, after which Bob(by) asks Chris a few important questions (he wants to eat salty foods and to give terrorist fist bumps)
• Commercial: Clam Top Bitterinos
• Errrrgh — the WZBC promotions director (dick) calls in to tell us we’re on probation, one strike and we’re out.
• Bobby needs to turn some tricks in order to pay for LaToya Jackson’s appearance next week
• A financial question answered: you can afford the wedding by throwing a three-state house party
• A financial question from Merlin the Magician answered: Q – debit or credit?  A – peppermint candy, E and IT
• Investing $28 in the best way possible (drive pour milk face punch? porn? gummy donuts?)
• Solomon the Great with his cloak and bowl of sand scares himself before reading fortunes in sand and donkeys
• Yolanda asks a question about Barilla stock and Solomon reads ‘divest’ in the sand
• Beth asks a question about mutual funds and Soloman consults the donkey and talks about an acting baby and donuts in the freezer
• An unidentified caller shares info on Mary Baker Eddy and she’s in the Bee Gees and eeeeurrrrgh
• Eve might need to declare some cash and Solomon reads the donkey and says no
• Tommy wants to invest in Touch of Evil and Solomon reads the donkey and says plaster your money to the screen
• The promotions director shoots another flame up our asses.

Quantify your dreams on this here show.

Eat Some Salmonite (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 5: A Safari (November 9 2008)

Potentially the best CoS of the pack.  A safari (emphasis on the tiger) is commercialized and underwritten until WZBC management threatens to bring the show down:

• Welcome Beth you safari guide you, take us on a hay rack ride through the jungle (Bobby will drive the tractor)
• Commercial: Dan Bellow’s will send you printer paper with an interactive CD on what to do with it (recipes? term papers?)
• Commercial: people who have nut allegies need to stay away from nuts (and people who like them)
• Sean calls in with some fantastic tiger poems
• Commercial: Baby Hypnosis
• Beth wonders what tigers are thinking and wonders what we’ll see on the safari while Ilana calls in
• Commercial: Clam Top Bitterinos (go bitter)
• Bobby drives us deep into the jungle with baby elephants and baby tigers
• Commercial: Feline Higher Ed
• Commercial: Super Sacks (big ol’ bags)
• An amazing tiger psychic reveals that being a tiger psychic means having a lay with tigers (spooning?)
• Commercial: Eat Some Salmonite
• Commecial: Birds are Jerks
• Uh oh — the WZBC promotions director calls in and tells us we shouldn’t be advertising and underwriting.
• Commercial: Ballet for Boys
• Commercial: Jim’s Bucket
• A caller gives us tiger facts: weretigers, tigers on cereal boxes, dolphins less awesome than tigers
• Commercial: Maced and Tazed
• A call from an ad exec who threatens to pull her ad for Clam Top Bitterinos
• Commercial: Vince Vaughn is the cutest pumpkin ever (believe us)
• Commercial: Eat Vanilla Dickle
• Commercial: Eat Chocsplosion
• Ad exec back on the line with Hot Hot Bad Boy Bobby and hangs up during the Clam Top Bitterinos ad
• Commercial: Eat Carrots and Corn (the Wind of Change Bellows with the Best of Them)
• Commercial: Think You Can Be Less of a Jerkface and Figure Out this To-Do List?
• More from the WZBC Promotions Guy
• A call from Mary Baker Eddy digresses into palindromes
• Commercial: Nell Glass wants you to help the environment by eliminating your wasteful double-lettered name
• Commercial: Liztus, a crazy cactus lizard juice
• The safari picks back up with the parronkey (parrot monkey) and Bobby tells a story about a dog peeing on a tree before a surprise prehistoric visitor prematurely ends the safari
• Commercial: “Helmet Helmet”, a child’s poem brought to you by the Helmet Association of America
• Commercial: Puddles, Ducks, Plants, Bees
• The dandyman calls in and instigates a singalong that leads to a capital crime
• Beth is underwritten by the Sexual Awareness Council
• Commercial: Nastlie, the sexiest baby formula out there
• Commercial: the Meat Star, the most delicious-looking star in the sky
• A call from Tommy Dickie jumps through a hoop of the hoop and Bobby has a falling out with most everyone before Ferris Bueller gets remade at the end of the show
• And much more exploding stuff that explodes all over the airwaves

Tiger elephant monkey monkey hamster tiger show.

WWBD (AKA What Would Brian Do AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 4: A Roasting With Twizzlers (November 2 2008)

An ultimately uncomfortable hostage situation might be a roasting if the roastee wasn’t wearing Twizzler handcuffs. Then, with the US of A Presidential election just two days away, several callers throw their hats into the ring.

• A song: “Welcome Home Brian”
• Caller Phil asks Brian for love advice
• Patent of the Week: A Water Pipe for Female Stimulation
• Nathan calls in for President, running on a platform of nutrition (eliminating fried salad) and cryogenically freezing all Russians (after cooking them delicious meals)
• A song: “The Dancing Cop”
• A discussion: “What’s Your Favorite Word” (What are you up to on Tuesday)
• Bobby presents his ‘Roids chip
• Drunk in the Bathroom, Again (the plumber)
• Poem by Brion Gysin
• And on and on …

You’re all tied up in Episode Four.

Taffy Talk (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 3: More Travel (October 26 2008)

We’ve got taffy we’ve got taffy how bout you. We’ve got taffy we’ve got taffy who are you. John produces a show about this sticky stuff:

• A discussion of sonic poo
• A Finnish travel guide from a local (translated to English)
• Disappointing trips expounded upon
• Vampires on commuter trains in Europe
• Correspondent Sean Cole interviews George Humphrey-Brown, the Secretary of Travel, answers every question you have about reports and travel uneducationalness
• A caller eats sausage and talks about language and riding motorcycles in the woods in Luxembourg
• A keg party for animals in Patagonia
• Terry from Kentucky calls about corn farming and his cousin in Alabama and gay cousin in SF and the homosexual police officers that will rule the streets once you-know-who gets elected President
• Asking a group of children where they’d like to visit (HINT: Hoboken and court)
• John’s ten worst travel locations
• Ben from Burlington is disgusted by on-air taffy talk and give clues about a trip he would like to go on (HINT: He would probably have a beard that grows faster than normal)
• A story about towers and a lack of towers
• A drunken pilot in the cockpit, again
• A caller went to Belgium and eats Counts that aren’t Chocula for breakfast
• Olly talks about becoming the archduke of a certain donut establishment in Watertown
• Tommy calls and discusses steak intertubes with compartments and donuts you can float on and foot massages with Bag Balm

Listen to this one here.

Droppin’ da Whale Billz (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 2 (October 19 2008)

The CoS crew comes back for the whale smack with new band member Olly now in the mix. The Cafe puts the ‘nuf’ in fundraiser spelled backwards by putting the nail in the wallets of all suspecting and unsuspecting listeners. It’s the beginning of the end, the end of the beginning, the middle of the 3rd quarter and the ball on the 35 yard line with no timeouts, the seventh inning stretch … whatever to this:

• Poetics by Brion Gysin and a Poem of the Day
• A hambonical submission from a listener
• He likes candy as much as I do
• Just spray yourself in the face with water
• She clearly thinks she’s calling in to a conservative talk show
• Whale watches over and over and then under and over
• Monkey-eating cats
• John sticks his head in the water and sees a whale, and Justin doesn’t come up for air
• A caller names his kid Gipper
• A fourth or sixth caller of the night LOOOOVES Sarah Palin
• Suzanne talks through a tube of conservatism
• Bobby throws a fit you can’t hear because of he’s rocking his silent chip
• A terrorist from Alabama who hates America and is friends with Obama and wants to kill everyone with his Obama Bomb Truck
• John pitches a script and Olly talks about Hamdown
• Guns ring out in the studio and John eats animals alive
• John plays his amazingly original composition about a dog named Bob Meticulous
• John’s poem about trees and deer, find me boar, have more pig for dinner

Money money money Seas2Ep2.

Waiting In Line for the Money (AKA CoS) Season 2, Episode 1 (October 12 2008)

How much we want? How much you got? The four-headed hydra of radio funkness attacks your eardrums with a fury offset by the occasional plea of “can you spare 50 cents?” or similar. Prepare to part ways with your valuables when WZBC requests your dollars and good sense while this stuff happens:

• Talking bout funds
• John’s new song: recognizing your shame
• Patent: stopping a stolen car
• A voicemail regarding the Patchasaurus from last season
• A story about hippos
• A caller wants John to write him songs about animals, Alf, Punky Brewster
• Nick puts his manliness on the phones
• Studio inventions: Coakley’s (glasses), Snackle (pork bacon chocolate), singles websites for incurable STDs
• Bobby’s chip of the week: Hollywood Writer (acquired off the street in Times Square)
• Bobby’s other chip of the week: a Gilbert transformation
• Ben the caller uses foliage to jumble Bobby’s circuits that are then unjumbled with a crowbar
• A caller worked on a dude ranch with a bevy of buckles

It’s episode 1 of the new style.

Cafe of Shame: the smell of Season 2 is in the air

We’ve obviously pissed around enough.  With a season under our belts we gots new concepts, approaches, voices, musics, ideas, sandwiches and other cheesy delights we’ve been hording in anticipation for October 12, the date we’ll air the best new episode you never knew you wanted.  Ah, the smell of it!

Cafe of Shame: Season 1 in the Can

Season 1 of the Cafe of Shame is over after 16 fine episodes. Now it’s time for summer break and beach parties and bonfires. Stay tuned for more hot CoS action and universe expansion this fall as Season 2 begins (seasons no longer have names such as “summer”, only numbers — it’s the new standard that all CoS listeners must adopt) (or not).